I got married at 24, and while I am very glad I gave myself time to mature a little before marriage, there were some things I wish that I had learned sooner rather than later. Here’s the list 🙂
1. Marry your finances! We still have separate checking accounts, and moving from two incomes to one and back has created a nightmare when it comes to making sure you know what bills are paid from where, transferring money from one credit union to another, etc etc etc.We are just now working on combining.
Finances are a BIG deal- a huge percentage of couples who get divorced say that money contributed. Manilla.com says that 65% of couples argue about money. For some reason, we both felt safe in our minds financially because there would be two of us earning money and thinking about the bills. The problem for us was, imagining that everything was ok just because we would be in this together has created many financial train wrecks. We didn’t communicate and each take responsibility for making sure we were making wise financial decisions. We are now reading the books Financial Peace and Total Money Makeover, both by David Ramsey. It would have made a massive difference for us and saved us from so much grief and arguing if we would have taken the time to read these books sooner.
If I could do it over, I would make sure that hubby and I looked at, thought through, and made plans for our financial lives BEFORE getting married. Couples argue about money. It happens. Use that information to your advantage by making sure that you and your sweetie talk about finances openly and honestly and make plans together to avoid financial pitfalls that may cause arguments later.
2. I am not always right. There is a great TED talks about being right. On it, Kathryn talks about serious problems that can come up when we are blinded by the belief that we are right. We start to make ‘unfortunate assumptions’ about the thoughts and feelings of the people around us (like that they are an idiot for not knowing what we know, for example). These kinds of feelings toward a spouse can wage war on healthy relationships.
One of the things that hubby and I both had to learn is how to admit when we are wrong…. and how NOT to make each other feel bad when we are. When you are dating, it’s easy to think about all of the wonderful qualities of your partner, but after a couple of years of marriage, it’s easy to see all of their mistakes. I really had to recognize that my criticisms fueled by my sense of ‘rightness’ hurt my hubby’s feelings and did much more harm than good. I think marriage should be about having someone by your side who supports you, and creating this ethic in your marriage takes a healthy dose of humility on both sides. Asking yourself the question “How would I want my spouse to talk to me about this?” and trying to follow that golden rule can help loads!
3. I expect you to…. Expectations can make or break a relationship. It was very difficult for me to come to terms with the fact that the man I married was different from the person I always pictured being married to in my mind. The funny thing was, I didn’t even realize I had some of these expectations. If I could do it again, I would write down all of the things I expected my husband and my marriage to be like. That way, I could recognize some of the pitfalls I had created in my mind for both myself and my husband. I realized through sad experience that I had created expectations in my mind that neither of us could ever live up to.
There are, however some expectations on both sides that are valid and important. After you’ve got your list, narrow it down to those things that are most important to you, then talk to your partner about them. Sometimes you will be surprised! Expectations that seem reasonable and obvious to you may be completely off the wall for your partner. The only way to learn this and prevent lots of potential misery is to talk about them.
When you decide which expectations work for you both, you can set goals together and make commitments around them. Sometimes it makes a world of difference just hearing your honey say that they are willing to commit to take their shoes off before they come in, and it saves you both the bother of nagging or blame. It also really helps to have a commitment, because when you have promised something, it’s much easier to own up to a mistake and try again. Imagine the difference it makes when you hear “Honey, I just want to remind you of a commitment you made…” rather than “I’ve asked you five times to…”
4. Courage to be different! When I first got married, I sometimes found myself afraid to express myself or make a particular choice because I *thought* my hubby wouldn’t agree with me or like what I decided. I finally discovered that a simple conversation (with a little gumption) made a huge difference. Most of the time the things I was afraid would upset him were not issues for him at all.
Relationships work best when you are both whole, complete and different people. Having the courage to do what I really want to do without feeling like it had to fit some kind of imaginary mold has freed me in a big way. We have had amazing connection and happiness as a couple as we have both had the courage to openly share what we think and feel. Sometimes those differences of opinion need to be worked out- such as how to spend money or how to discipline your children. The rest of the time, though, those differences add interest and variety. We have had some great conversations as we’ve tried to learn about and understand each other’s different point of view.
5. I see the best in you. I recorded and started listening to some affirmations recently. (I know, how very new-agey of me… but they work!) As I was recording some positive statements about myself, I thought it might be a good idea to include some positive things about my husband… and it worked! Really, it’s been amazing! Since I have started listening to it, I have really noticed those positive things in him. Our relationship has been even better than usual this past little while. It makes sense because you always find what you are looking for, and having that daily reminder of some of his best qualities helps me see them and think about them.
I think people tend to really have a sense about what other people think of them, even when they don’t say it. (Have you ever seen an episode of Lie to Me?) When I changed what I was thinking, Hubby started responding to me in an even more loving and sincere way as well, probably because he can tell when I’m looking for the best in him.
Well, we are definitely not perfect, but I can truly say that Hubby and I are happily married. I enjoyed remembering these lessons, and it honestly helped me a lot to review them. Hopefully some of this information can help others along their journey, too.
God bless,
Amorie
A House Full of Sunshine 